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March 08, 2005

Cigar, Cigarette, Coffee, Tea or Me?

I was young. About 9, I think. I had been outside playing with my friends during a hot summer month. I went inside for a cool drink. And that's when it happened.

Sorry. I'm not telling you yet!

My mom used to make tea outside during the summer. She had this big jar with a bright yellow plastic lid. She'd stick a bunch of tea bags in it and sit it on the picnic table outside while the sun brewed the tea. Then, the jar would go into the fridge. When we'd start to run low, the remaining tea would go into a smaller jar and the big jar would end up back on the picnic table as the next batch started to brew.

Now, I don't know if you've ever brewed tea in the sun during a Texas summer, but that shit gets dark. Really dark.

So. back to my story. I came inside for that refreshing drink. I grabbed the smaller jar of tea and poured myself a glass. And then I drank most of it down in one large swig.

And I promptly got ill. I didn't throw up, but I was close. Why, you ask? Because there was no tea in that jar.

That's right. That's bitch was full of coffee.

Cold. Fcuking. Coffee.

To this day I can't drink coffee. I don't even like the smell of it. A long time ago there was this cute commercial with a little girl and her dad in the kitchen. He had a mug of coffee, she had a big glass of milk. He took a spoonful of her milk and put it in his coffee, then took a spoonful of his coffee and put it in her milk. Yeah. Two of those in a big glass of milk and I'm throwing the milk away.

I hold my nose when I walk by Gloria Jean's Coffee Beans in the mall. I can taste coffee in any recipe that calls for it - even in trace amounts. And even though I like tiramasou, if it's not made just right, all I taste is coffee. Coffee ice cream? So wrong.

The thing about it that's so funny is that people always think they can convert me. I don't care how much sugar and cream you put into your snickerdoodle coffee. Key word? Coffee. Gross. It does not taste like candy. It tastes like coffee. Get it away from me. I made it through four years of all-nighters in college with out drinking a single mug of coffee. I'm pretty sure I'll survive life without it.

I have had coffee a few times. I've had various iced coffees. I've tried frappucinnos. I've tried flavored coffees. My friends have forced me into trying every kind they can think of. And you know what? Ew. Ew. And EEEEWWW! In fact, there has only been one coffee in my life I liked. It was Hawaiian Macadamia Nut blend from this little coffee shop I hung out at in high school. And it had to be sweetened and creamed to perfection by my friend Dario. He was the only one who could make it so I liked it. Weird, right?

So there you have it. The reason I don't drink coffee. And a long, drawn out story about how you will never convert me. So please, for your own well being, please refrain from trying.

Posted by amy t. at March 8, 2005 02:43 PM

Comments

Posted by: Sister K at March 8, 2005 03:45 PM

Posted by: Ms. Pants at March 9, 2005 12:49 PM

Posted by: redsaid at March 11, 2005 11:43 PM